Fruit vs. Feeling

It took all day to write this, but it still seems fitting. You know, I hate those mornings when I wake up and all I want is to be left alone, but there's no escape to be found. I don't want to snap at everyone. I just need space. Reading doesn't work, because anyone can interrupt, and disappearing in my car doesn't work, either, because I spend the entire trip feeling guilty and apprehensive. I haven't figured out the most effective way of dealing with this state of mind, so if you have any ideas, feel free to share. As it is, I'll just wait for the mood to pass and try to be amicable.

I guess days like these make me feel like even more of a ragamuffin. :/ I mean, really, Christians are supposed to be nice, happy, charming, sweet, and obliging all the time. We walk around with smiles plastered on our faces and sing, "This is the day, this is the day that the Lord has made, that the Lord has made!" After all, Paul never got up on the wrong side of the bed.

Hah. Please.

There's no way any human on this planet could wake up and feel great every single day, and I've never found a Biblical expectation for Christians to be nice, happy, charming, sweet, or obliging all the time. I do find, however, an exhortation to live by the Spirit, producing the fruit of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control Funny thing, though: the fruit of the Spirit are not feelings; each one is either a conscious state of being or a chosen action. Unfortunately, it’s easy to confuse the two in mainstream Christianity: niceness for love, happiness for joy, charm for goodness, sweetness for patience, and being obliging for kindness. They do seem similar, but they spring from radically different motives and heart attitudes. You can have the fruit of the Spirit when you crawl out of bed in a bad mood, but good luck conjuring up your counterfeit emotions!

So, that brings me back to my mood today. I may not feel like smiling (I don’t), I may not feel like singing (I don’t), and I may not feel like being “nice” (I don’t), but I can choose to live by the Spirit inside of me today. I wish I made the choice more consistently to be who I am in Christ as opposed to who I was, but with time and maturity, I pray the choice becomes more natural. Until then, please be patient with me and my childish moods. I’m still growing up.

A fitting plea.

Savior, please take my hand
I work so hard, I live so fast
This life begins, and then it ends
And I do the best that I can, but I don't know how long I'll last


I try to be so tough
But I'm just not strong enough
I can't do this alone, God I need You to hold on to me
I try to be good enough
But I'm nothing without Your love
Savior, please keep saving me

Savior, please help me stand
I fall so hard, I fade so fast
Will You begin right where I end
And be the God of all I am because You're all I have

Hallelujah
Everything You are to me
Is everything I'll ever need
And I am learning to believe
That I don't have to prove a thing
'Cause You're the one who's saving me

Spring Break...day 1

Spring Break has arrived, an unexpected but welcome rest. I knew it was coming, but it still doesn't seem like the semester should be this far gone! We only have four weeks of classes left after this break (that is, before finals week). Tests and projects have gone well so far, so I'm trying to spend some time thinking about this summer, next fall, and next spring. Dr. Bailey wants to send me to France or Belgium, but I honestly need a way to fund it. I could use my UCA scholarship or fund it privately, in which case, it could be cheaper. Or, I could try for one of many other scholarships. The Rotary Club's Ambassadorial Scholarship would be amazing...$25,000 to spend a year studying anywhere I want.

Anyway, it feels so good to come home and do whatever I feel like doing. I helped Mom and Leeanne cook an amazing Asian-style dinner last night and followed it up with an episode of Lie to Me, and today I'm going to catch up on some laundry and do some baking and reading. It's a cloudy, pensive day - perfect for that sort of thing. I snagged some really ripe bananas from the cafeteria before I left yesterday so I could test out some banana recipes. Today I think I'm going to try making Banana Spice Muffins and Banana Oatmeal Bread since I'm in a healthy, whole-grainy kind of mood.

Mom and Leeanne are working on home ec projects, so I might get in on a little bit of that action, too. I've had a few pairs of old, worn-out jeans sitting in the laundry room for a couple of years that Mom was going to make into skirts, and I think she's finally getting around to it this weekend. Better late than never, I suppose. I'm hoping they turn out like the image I have in my mind, with the top made from the waist and seat of the jeans and the skirt made from patchwork material.

So far, I'm enjoying good, girly conversation while they rip seams and I take care of lining up speech/debate judges. Maybe I'll work up the motivation to work out later today...but I'm enjoying my PJs and coffee at the moment (even though it is three o'clock in the afternoon).

More some other time...