Before the Morning

So, I should probably be listening to my professor as he lectures about the origins of the United Nations, but I’m not. Call me a horrible student, but I’ve really never cared about the United Nations, and I’ve already heard much more than I ever wanted to know about how it started and what it hasn’t done since then.

My mind is much more inclined to focus on other things today. Like how I’ve allowed myself to get so bogged down in the details and the disappointments that I lost sight of the grace in my life. Over the past few months, I’ve felt like life not only knocked me to the ground, but taunted and kicked me while I was down. Every time I’d nearly gathered the strength to stand up, it would land another punch. Needless to say, I didn’t have high hopes going into a new semester. I felt like I should have been sidelined and useless as far as anyone, anything, or even God was concerned. To my shame, the lyrics from Josh Wilson’s “Before the Morning” sounded truer than ever: “Do you wonder why you have to, feel the things that hurt you, if there's a God who loves you, where is He now?”

Fortunately, God’s been tapping me on the shoulder, whispering my name, giving me glimpses of grace, sometimes at the moments when I didn't know how else to keep going. Tonight, I not-so-randomly discovered this beautifully broken song from Tenth Avenue North, Times:

I know i need you
I need to love you
I love to see you, but its been so long
i long to feel you
i feel this need for you
and i need to hear you
is that so wrong?
oh oh oh, oh oh oh, oh oh oh
now you pulled me near you
when we're close i fear you
still im afraid to tell you
all that i've done
are you done forgiving?
or can you look past my pretending?
Lord i'm so tired of defending
what i've become
what have i become?
oh oh, oh oh, oh oh.
i hear you say "my love is over,
it’s underneath, it’s inside, it’s in between
the times you doubt me, when you can't feel
the times that you've questioned 'is this for real?'
the times you've broken, the times that you mend
the times you hate me and the times that you bend
well my love is over, its underneath
it’s inside, it’s in between,
these times you're healing
and when your heart breaks
the times that you feel like you've fallen from grace
the times you're hurting
the times that you heal
the times you go hungry and *are tempted* to steal
in times of confusion and chaos and pain
im there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame
im there through your heartache
im there in the storm
my love i will keep you by my power alone
i dont care where you've fallen, where you have been
i'll never forsake you
my love never ends, it never ends
mmm, mmm
oh oh, oh oh, oh oh

In soft, gentle whispers, He’s reminding me that I’m not broken beyond repair, as much as the broken pieces bewilder me, and as much as they don’t fit where I thought they should be. His love is over, underneath, inside, and in-between every one: every mistake, every success, every disappointment, every failure, every longing, every joy, every hurt. Now, maybe I'm beginning to see the rest of the truth in that Josh Wilson song: that maybe there are things I can't see, and all these things are happening to bring a better ending, some day, somehow, I'll see.

Would you dare, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning

long overdue...but posted nonetheless

Yeah, so I'm really bad about posting. What can I say? I'm pretty flaky when it comes to blogging. Maybe I'll get better, maybe I won't. (I haven't so far...but I guess there's always hope.)

I just can't sleep tonight, and I need to distract myself so that my brain will actually calm down enough to let me rest. (Just eight hours...that's all I need from you, brain. Can you just chill for that long? I promise you can go at it again in the morning. :P)

So what can I say that will keep me busy for a while, I wonder. School started last week. That's kind of exciting. I think that I'm going to like my new schedule -- starting at 10:50 and 11:00am every day keeps me from stressing out as much, I think. I'm out by 4 or 4:15 every day, which doesn't feel really late to me. I can still take care of things in the afternoon and evening, or in the morning if I feel like it. The workload isn't bad so far, just a lot of reading, and I seem to have a really great combination of professors to work with. I can already tell that Gender Communications is going to have the most interesting and thought-provoking discussions (and probably the tendency to irritate me), and that UN & Intl. Politics is going to be the longest, most boring class I've ever attended. I'm going to be doing something else on my laptop for an hour and fifteen minutes every Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and NOT feeling guilty about it. Don't get me wrong. I like to be respectful of my professors and pay attention to the material during lecture classes, because usually they're pretty interesting to me anyway. But the possibility of feeling guilty for distracting myself in this class vanished when I realized that my professor doesn't finish his sentences, can't explain all of the terms he puts up on the board, and feels the need to spend five minutes defining terms like "peacekeepers" by explaining that they "keep the peace." Yeah, it's going to be a long semester in that class. Silver lining (alright, maybe silver plated): I have the option of volunteering at the Model UN later this year. That could be interesting. Fortunately, my Sociolinguistics, Event Planning, and French courses all have much more potential to provide some stimulating material. Talking about language with language nerds every week rocks...and Event Planning will involve pulling off an actual event, which is awesome because practical experience trumps lectures any day. My French independent study and capstone shouldn't be too taxing, given that those are just my opportunities to do what I love and get credit for it. I can focus on whatever I want to, basically, since a lot of the texts I'll be translating are of my own choice.

I've already decided that I'd like to read at least one book a month this semester to give my mind some new ideas to think about, so maybe I'll find one that I wouldn't mind translating into French. Perhaps some C.S. Lewis? It would be a challenge, but a worthwhile one. I'd like to read The Phantom of the Opera in its original French, and Les Miserables too. I have a copy somewhere. Yeah. Story of my life: "mmhmm...I have that...somewhere...") I joined GoodReads this week to hopefully kickstart my reading project. I should probably add more books to it if I'm going to accomplish anything, though.

So today was my birthday. Feels kind of weird to be 22. More specifically, it feels old. Yes, yes, I know that, relatively speaking, 22 is not old. Maybe I just feel behind, like I should somehow be a lot more mature and have a lot more things figured out than I actually do at this age. It's quite unnerving. I guess I should probably just get used to being unnerved by life, though, because I don't see that changing anytime soon.

I suppose I've sufficiently distracted myself now, since I'm getting sleepy. That makes me happy. I'm going to get some rest now and hopefully...you'll hear from me again before the year's over.

Renting Books

Hey everyone,

I just rented a couple of textbooks from Bookrenter.com, since I know I won't be keeping them at the end of the semester. I was tired of losing money selling them back! If you decide to rent any textbooks this year, click this link to save 5%: http://bkrent.tellapal.com/a/clk/5HX0f . Not only will you save money, but I'll earn credit as well. Win, win!

Have a great day!
Grace