Before the Morning

So, I should probably be listening to my professor as he lectures about the origins of the United Nations, but I’m not. Call me a horrible student, but I’ve really never cared about the United Nations, and I’ve already heard much more than I ever wanted to know about how it started and what it hasn’t done since then.

My mind is much more inclined to focus on other things today. Like how I’ve allowed myself to get so bogged down in the details and the disappointments that I lost sight of the grace in my life. Over the past few months, I’ve felt like life not only knocked me to the ground, but taunted and kicked me while I was down. Every time I’d nearly gathered the strength to stand up, it would land another punch. Needless to say, I didn’t have high hopes going into a new semester. I felt like I should have been sidelined and useless as far as anyone, anything, or even God was concerned. To my shame, the lyrics from Josh Wilson’s “Before the Morning” sounded truer than ever: “Do you wonder why you have to, feel the things that hurt you, if there's a God who loves you, where is He now?”

Fortunately, God’s been tapping me on the shoulder, whispering my name, giving me glimpses of grace, sometimes at the moments when I didn't know how else to keep going. Tonight, I not-so-randomly discovered this beautifully broken song from Tenth Avenue North, Times:

I know i need you
I need to love you
I love to see you, but its been so long
i long to feel you
i feel this need for you
and i need to hear you
is that so wrong?
oh oh oh, oh oh oh, oh oh oh
now you pulled me near you
when we're close i fear you
still im afraid to tell you
all that i've done
are you done forgiving?
or can you look past my pretending?
Lord i'm so tired of defending
what i've become
what have i become?
oh oh, oh oh, oh oh.
i hear you say "my love is over,
it’s underneath, it’s inside, it’s in between
the times you doubt me, when you can't feel
the times that you've questioned 'is this for real?'
the times you've broken, the times that you mend
the times you hate me and the times that you bend
well my love is over, its underneath
it’s inside, it’s in between,
these times you're healing
and when your heart breaks
the times that you feel like you've fallen from grace
the times you're hurting
the times that you heal
the times you go hungry and *are tempted* to steal
in times of confusion and chaos and pain
im there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame
im there through your heartache
im there in the storm
my love i will keep you by my power alone
i dont care where you've fallen, where you have been
i'll never forsake you
my love never ends, it never ends
mmm, mmm
oh oh, oh oh, oh oh

In soft, gentle whispers, He’s reminding me that I’m not broken beyond repair, as much as the broken pieces bewilder me, and as much as they don’t fit where I thought they should be. His love is over, underneath, inside, and in-between every one: every mistake, every success, every disappointment, every failure, every longing, every joy, every hurt. Now, maybe I'm beginning to see the rest of the truth in that Josh Wilson song: that maybe there are things I can't see, and all these things are happening to bring a better ending, some day, somehow, I'll see.

Would you dare, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning