33 days.

More has happened in my life during the last 33 days than I could ever hope to capture in words, much less in a blog post. I think that very fact has been the reason I’ve avoided writing for so long; everything is just so overwhelming at times. I’m going to write, though, even if the words aren’t adequate, because what I’ve shoved to my mental back burner is now boiling over. :P

This post may be a little more personal, a little more honest, a little more vulnerable than other things I’ve written. Maybe it’s because I believe I’m reaching a place in life where what people think of me doesn’t matter so much. I probably feel that way because the situations I’ve faced during the past month have brought me to a new threshold in this growth process. I still feel like the little girl tripping along at her Daddy’s side, lagging a bit behind because her legs are still shorter than His, but I’m doing my best to follow my heart and keep in step with my Abba, even when the decisions are hard. Putting on my spiritual big-girl pants, as Chris likes to call them, is never an easy thing to do! But, God has been faithful in every way possible, strengthening and comforting me in every step of obedience.

Two situations in particular stand out in my mind. Both involve relationships, so I’ll handle them with care. After spending couple of happy months in a dating relationship, I started to notice a nagging feeling deep down inside that something wasn’t quite right. A few of my closest friends were sharing observations with me that seemed to confirm that something wasn’t right, even though I didn’t want to listen, and it took a few weeks for me to realize that maybe God was trying to tell me something. It took a lot of courage to get quiet, to pray, and to listen, because I wasn’t sure I was going to like what I heard. Unfortunately, I knew I wouldn’t have peace until I did. So, after a few days of deep soul-searching and intense emotional and spiritual struggle, I realized that God was asking me to let go of the relationship. It was becoming a distraction to me, keeping me from serving Him with all that I am, and to continue would be extremely unhealthy to both of us. I hope no one misunderstands me, though, because I don’t regret this relationship or any other relationship I’ve had. There is a season for everything, and this season was fruitful for both of us. I wholeheartedly thank God for that blessing. I just believe that He’s now asking me to be content in a season of singleness for a while.

Looking back, I realize that my friends and family were speaking words of insight, wisdom, and even prophecy into my life, because they were all confirmed in my spirit and by other Christians - both before and after the fact. We’ve been learning about spiritual gifting and attempting to walk more intimately with the Spirit as a Body at Christ Church over the past month or two, and to see it play out in my life is amazing.

The other situation I’ve faced during the last 33 days involved my relationship with my mother. It’s no secret that I love my mother dearly, but we’ve encountered our share of rocky patches as most mothers and daughters do. After all, every human relationship has its issues. Personalities clash, opinions differ, roles change. Thankfully, we were able to talk at the beginning of summer when I moved home, which began the healing and growth process for both of us. As the weeks progressed, I kept studying 1 Corinthians 6 and 7 on Tuesday nights and asking for prayer over our relationship. Of course, when you ask God for something like that, He usually deals with your end of the problem first. :P He began convicting me that I needed to examine my role in creating tension in the relationship and take responsibility for making peace. (If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Romans 12:18) When I realized that my false assumptions, perceptions, and fears were contributing to our problem, I knew it was time for me to put on my big-girl pants and communicate honestly with my mom. There were certain subjects that I’d never addressed with her since I started college because I was afraid she would disagree with my judgment. What God showed me was that if I claim to be mature enough make independent decisions, I should be mature enough to own them. I finally reached a point in my personal growth where I was able to find the courage to do it, and the funny thing is: I can actually laugh about it now. Why? Because it turned out that my mom and I actually see things quite similarly. Our relationship was essentially suffering from miscommunication, false assumptions, and a lack of openness. However, I’m so happy to say that nothing could be further from the truth now. I feel like my mom and I have a better relationship now than we’ve ever had! :)

So, overall, life is good. Step by step, I’m learning to match my Daddy’s stride. He has proven Himself so loving and patient, even when I lag behind or trip over my feet, and nothing compares to the feeling I have when I know, deep down, that I’m walking in step with Him. He has given me such indescribable peace and joy at his side, a peace and joy that comfort my heart when the steps are hard to take. It's like a warm squeeze of the hand, a strong arm around the shoulder. More and more, I’m amazed by His closeness, His care - His intimate involvement in my everyday life. I see His fingerprints all over the little things every single day. Sometimes it’s a lesson from Scripture, a word of insight or encouragement from a friend, or providentially arranged circumstances, and sometimes it’s finding out that God has woven together past events to put me in the right place at the right time, or that He’s somehow used me to speak into someone else’s life just when they needed it. I shared my excitement with Mom the other day, and she said, “It feels like this is what life’s supposed to be, doesn’t it?”

And she’s right. This is what life is supposed to be. A little girl walking hand in hand with her loving Father.

Nothing can be better than this.